I’ve made a new friend.
We used to be at odds. He would taunt me, annoy me, make me doubt myself. Sometimes to the point of insanity.
Whenever I do anything I haven’t done before, and don’t really know how it will turn out, he is always there reminding me I might not make it. And he’s always so goddamn close, it’s like he lives right inside me.
Yes, he’s my fucking fear. So I made a decision — to make friends with him.
I realised, he’s actually the one that’s always with me, through all the hardest stuff I have ever had to face. He’s always with me in all the difficult times. No matter how far I travel, or how high I dare to jump, or how deep I dive into the deepest darkest abyss of difficult life experiences, he is the only one that I can be sure of being there with me through it all. Always.
I don’t fight him anymore. I’ve become comforted by his presence. Because he’s always there going through everything with me.
Sure, he’s not the kindest or gentlest friend. He pressures me and makes me nervous, taunts me and tries to convince me to just give up and go back where I came from, where it’s comfortable. Eventually, I started to realise he’s just like one of those nasty ninja Kung Fu masters that taunt and torture their pupils until they reach a breaking point and actually exceed their own limitations.
The thing is, after having my fear hang out in my tummy longer than it takes to make a whole new human being, I’ve come to realise that in spite of his constant flapping in my stomach, he’s about as flimsy as the ribbon that marks the finish line on a race track. All I have to do is run right though him and he stops flapping. He flaps and flaps and flaps until I go past him with all my might, all my courage and determination, and just push through to the other side. And then he stops.
So I started to see what his game really is. And boy, does he have a game. He doesn’t just want me to fail, he wants me to keep my eye on the finish line. He stands there taunting me with that flag, reminding me how far I still need to go before I can shut him up. He just stands there and mocks me, daring me to get to him, like a nasty bully. I finally figured out that he mocks me because he actually wants me to get to him and silence him and his annoying flap-flap-flapping.
I’m onto you, my friend. You don’t doubt me, you already know I’m going to get to you and run right through you to win the prize, that’s why you taunt me.
So, fuck you, fear. You can tell me all you want that I won’t make it, that I am crazy to do what I’m doing, that I should stay where I am. But we both know that this is just a nasty game to you, and through all your sadistic ways, you’re still just waiting for me to prove you wrong. And when I run right past you, you’ll be silenced by the elation at my success, as proud of me as a beaming mother, taking all the credit for everything I put into my victory, just because you were the one standing at the finish line, flapping and taunting.
Well, I resent you and your ways, but I respect you and kind of love you for always being by my side through all the hard times. So go on and do your thing, I won’t stop you. Just like you won’t stop me doing mine.